The fact that it took Romney as long as it did to put away the seven dwarves - easily the single greatest collection of misfits ever to run for the Republican nomination -convinced me that he was in serious trouble in the general election.
Say what you will about Barack Obama, but he's a pro. He won't be put to sleep halfway as easy as retards like Michele Bachmann, psychopathic idiots like Herman Cain and Rick Santorum, stoned morons like Rick Perry and syphllitic monsters like Newt Gingrich were. Three quarters of them - including Cain - sounded as though they were running for the presidency of the Confederate States of America. And it still took Romney four months to take them down.
If there's one thing that the Governor's primary season competitors from 2008 and this year have in common, it's that they all think that he's a skunk. A few of them have even said so in public, none more so than Newt Gingrich, who has a natural instinct to find a like-minded skull-fucking sleazebag. It's the kind of thing you can read about in National Geographic, if you're so inclined.
Romney's response at the time was "Stop whining." And you know what? He was right. To quote the late Finley Peter Dunne, "politics ain't beanbag."
Of course, Mitt's a much more rugged individual when he's dishing it out. He's not nearing as good at taking it. Ultimately, that's going to kill him. You can ignore Rick Perry and bury him in money because Rick Perry is a joke. A sitting president of the United States? Not so much.
On January 5, 2008 - five and half years ago - I wrote that Mitt Romney was virtually unelectable. One of his chief problems, I said at the time, would be Bain Capital.
Romney has a serious problem with his business record that I'm surprised that other Republican candidates haven't exploited yet.The problem is that Mitt is, on top of being the most unnatural politician since Richard Nixon, he's an unnaturally slow learner.
You see, when a successful businessman runs for office, he does so by pointing out all of the wonderful jobs he created. As the CEO of a private equity firm called Bain Capital, Mitt Romney can't exactly do that. One of the things that private equity firms do is buy a company, sell off the pieces individually, and throw all of the employees out of work. One of the main functions of a private equity firm is to create unemployment as a means to maximize shareholder dividends.
While that might be a perfectly acceptable way to run a business in a capitalist system, it poses political issues that are nothing less than enormous. And Mitt has already learned that the hard way. In the '94 Senate race, Ted Kennedy ran an ad featuring the fired employees of an Indiana company that Bain Capital liquidated.
Not only did I predict that Bain would be serious issue five and half years ago, Ted Kennedy clobbered him over the fucking head with it eighteen years ago.
As recently as February, Gingrich and Rick Perry were describing Romney and Bain as "vulture capitalism." The subsequent Obama and Democratic attacks on that front have been relatively mild compared to what other Republicans said as recently as six months ago.
Romney, unlike most similarly situated politicians, has had two decades to to prepare for the attack that he's facing today. And he just couldn't be bothered to do it. Despite it being used against him in a Senate election and two presidential primaries, he just couldn't be bothered to craft an effective defense against it. It's one of the most amazing things I've ever seen in politics.
If you're a worried Republican out there, don't worry. Pillhead DJs are out there inventing conspiracy theories to save the day!
“Do you know the name of the villain in this movie? Bane. The villain in The Dark Knight Rises is named Bane, B-a-n-e. What is the name of the venture capital firm that Romney ran and around which there’s now this make-believe controversy? Bain. The movie has been in the works for a long time. The release date’s been known, summer 2012 for a long time. Do you think that it is accidental that the name of the really vicious fire breathing four eyed whatever it is villain in this movie is named Bain? ...
You may think it’s ridiculous, I’m just telling you this is the kind of stuff the Obama team is lining up. The kind of people who would draw this comparison are the kind of people that they are campaigning to. These are the kind of people that they are attempting to appeal to.”That's right, fucking Batman is out to get Mitt Romney.
Actually, it gets even better than that.
For the better part of four years, I was almost alone in thinking that Mitt Romney was going to be the nominee this year. As recently as January, there was no shortage of Republicans out there convinced that Gingrich, Santorum or a Republican to be named later would kick the shit out of Romney.
Conservative commentator Jed Babbin told Secrets, "Now we have the new Batman movie with super-villain Bane, the comic book bad guy who broke the Bat's back. How long will it take for the Obama campaign to link the two, making Romney the man who will break the back of the economy? Romney can't win if he's constantly on the defensive," he said.
Even GOP advisor Frank Luntz jumped into the fray. "Hollywood does it again," he told Secrets. "[Romney] had to know all this was coming and he should have done a lot more to prepare for it."
Of course it's Hollywood! Hollywood and the homosexual Jews that control it are all-knowing! Omnipotent even! And because they know the Republican nominating process even better than Republicans do, they got together three years ago and threw between $250 and $300 million dollars into a comic book movie project to defeat a guy that was far from a sure thing for winning the nomination.
The GOP should have seen this coming. After all, didn't arch-conservatives Barry Levinson, Robert DeNiro and Dustin Hoffman force President Clinton's penis into a young girl's mouth and his air force into Eastern Europe? It's happened before, and it'll happen again, people! Start paying attention.
For those of you who aren't as politically astute as I am, these aren't just paranoid ravings. I mean, sure, they mostly are. Limbaugh is a cynical hack who will say anythng to keep his mouth-breathing audience tuned in. This wouldn't be the first instance of his saying something something unbelievanly crazy to keep his morons listening, and it won't be the last.
But when you have serious people like Luntz getting in on the act, it's because they know that their guy is not only losing, but losing badly.
And they're right.
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