Rob Ford's Heroic Struggle

So Toronto's mayor, Rob Ford, is supposed to arm-wrestle Hulk Hogan tomorrow morning. In most big cities, this would be something of a spectacle. In Toronto, we just hope Etobicoke Slim is sober.

A lot of folks who are interested in such things are probably betting on The Artist Formerly Known as Terry Gene Bollea to win, but I'm not so sure.

First, the Hulkster is 115 years old and to the best of my knowledge hasn't ever done anything that wasn't scripted in advance by Vince McMahon.

Second, Hizzoner is a celebrated crackhead, and those fucking people are wiry!And can anybody say with any certainty that he hasn't added meth to his training regimen in the last few weeks? I sure as shit can't. If Doug Ford is introduced from the ring as Rob's manager, "Jesse Pinkman," Hogan might start worrying.

We should all join together in congratulating the Heavyweight Champion of Pretend Sports for finding a figure every bit as ridiculous as he is to appear with. That couldn't have been easy.

But tomorrow won't be Ford's most heroic struggle. Not by a long shot. He is still in a titanic, almost Albert Speer-like  Battle With Truth.

And so we tuned in to the Ford brothers’ Sunday radio program to hear something—if not the truth we might feel we are owed, then at least an explanation. Broadcasting live from the CNE, the program offered a heavy dose of Doug Ford as, for half the program, Rob was stuck in traffic after a family trip to Niagara. Or so brother Doug said. There’s no reason to doubt the story except for its source, whose increasing unreliability as a narrator became immediately evident.

For instance, on the show, Doug claimed that he and Rob “aren’t politicians,” which (at least lacking a modifier such as “normal” or “effective”) is a verifiable falsehood. That’s small potatoes, of course, but part of a pattern. At another point in the show, he said, “For the first time ever, in the history of Toronto, we have balanced the books.” He said it twice. In truth, Toronto has balanced its books in every single year of its history—it is forbidden by law to run an operating deficit.

Then Rob finally appeared, and claimed that by keeping tax increases below two per cent per year for three years, he and his brother had not only achieved the lowest tax increases in North America, but that such a small increase was “unheard of.” You don’t have to scour North American history to hear of such feats, though: In the city of Markham, tax rates were frozen for three years leading up to 2011, and increased 1.5 per cent in 2012 and 2013. Even here in Toronto, Mayor Mel Lastman delivered three years of tax freezes after amalgamation in 1998.

It went on: Doug claimed the St. Clair streetcar line was an example of LRTs like those planned in Scarborough (it is not) and that 80 per cent of people polled support the expansion of the island airport (in fact, recently published polls show the actual support at 47 per cent).

Later, Rob fielded a question from a listener who asked about the tight rental market, and the bidding wars it is creating. This has been headline news in these parts for a long while now—the lowest vacancy rates in decades are leading to skyrocketing rents, which raises a real concern about the affordability of the city for many residents. But Rob doesn’t share those concerns: “With interest rates so low now, landlords are begging for tenants…they’ll give you free parking, a free month’s rent…” he said. False. He maybe got that impression by seeing some ads, but it’s very transparently not backed up by the official numbers from the Canada Mortgage and Housing Corporation, numbers that are readily available to (and should be a key concern for) the mayor of the city. 

And that, my friends, is the Rob Ford I know. Even when he isn't talking about his heroic propensity for getting fucked up on crack and Russian Prince vodka, his first instinct is always to lie. Always.  

No matter what happens tomorrow morning, Hulk Hogan can walk away secure in the knowledge that Ford could never cuckold Bubba the Love Sponge as thoroughly as he has.  Christ, the mayor can hardly be in the same room as his wife for ten minutes without one of them calling 911. If Hizzoner got within thirty five feet, of Heather Clem, he'd almost immediately suicide, knowing that he has nothing close to what "appears to be the size of a thermos you'd find in a child's lunchbox" between his legs.

Long story short, that's why I'm sad that Ford isn't arm-wrestling Heather tomorrow. Conservatives, and the city, would be better off.