Rob Ford Made a Sexy Time

I'm not sure I've been clear enough enough about this. If given the choice between voting my incumbent mayor, Rob Ford, and Phil Spector, I'd have to go with Spector. Even with the goofy fucking wigs and demonstrated ability to blow a b-movie actresses' goddamed noggin off, Phil still causes less embarrassment to himself and everyone around him than Ford does in the first 20 minutes of a given day. The only advantage Ford has over Spector is a slightly better track record in court.

Look, everyone knows that nothing raises the pheromones quite like an evening with the Canadian Jewish Public Affairs Committee. There can be no denying the almost palpable sexual tension that overwhelms any and all of their functions. I personally blame them for the teen pregnancy crisis of the 1980s.

Thursday was an exciting day for everybody. The weather started not sucking so bad and it was the great and good Dr. Reverend's birthday. It was CJPAC. Former mayoral rival Sarah Thomson was there in her newly dreadlocked and fine-assed glory and, y'know, things happen.

She joined people queuing to meet and have photos taken with Ford, whom she frequently debated as rival candidate during the 2010 civic election, and then chided him for not attending her recent transit forum.

“He told me he was in Florida and I should have been with him because his wife wasn’t there,” Thomson told the Star on Friday. “I didn’t expect that. Rob doesn’t normally act that way towards women, so I was a little bit shocked, and then we posed to get our picture taken and he grabbed my ass during the pose.”

As I said, these things happen. There are times in our lives when passion rules and when it causes us to dare, we dare greatly. It might not always play out the way we'd prefer, but when passion rewards us, it rewards us greatly. That's just the way love works, people.

Far be it from me to criminalize romance, like the Goddamned Liberal Media continually insists on doing, but hasn't Etobicoke Slim caused himself enough trouble?

That's not to say that the oafish shithead is admitting anything. That's fucking crazy talk. Nope, within hours of the story breaking, Boy Rob reached deep into his Nixonian soul and denied everything.

“Last night I had the pleasure of attending a wonderful event to support the Canadian Jewish Political Affairs Committee.

“This is an event that is attended by numerous political leaders and where I have been a guest in the past.

“Early this morning, false allegations were made regarding a number of disgusting actions. I am shocked, dismayed and surprised. I can say without hesitation that they are absolutely, completely false.

“What is more surprising is that a woman who has aspired to be a civic leader would cry wolf on a day where we should be celebrating women across the globe.

“This is a day we should all take the time to reflect upon the women in our lives and in our society. It is a day when we can envision the changes we want to make in our communities to ensure that all people are equal and that violence and discrimination against women comes to an end.”

In my opinion, everyone would've been better off if he just said something like this ...

Lookee, bitches, don't you know who I am? I have a literal shit-ton of money and a cool job. Those are the kind of things that broads go for. Oh sure, they'll say they don't, but they're just as shallow as the fucking voters. Talk sternly and promise them enough cool shit, and both are yours.

By the way, just look at me, will ya? What skirt in her right mind could say no to a doughy, entitled dope that sweats from the sternum? Dykes, that's fucking who! Did I mention that I coach football for would-be thugs and serial rapists? I'm not saying that I'm a great guy, I'm saying that I'm the best guy ever!

Listen to the socialists moan about how I tried to get my pecker wet the night before International Women's Day, fer chrissakes! Well, I was celebrating, too. Just a few hours early. More importantly, I'm of the considered opinion that every day is a day worth celebrating poontang! Especially when my crazy fucking wife isn't around.

Goddamn, I need a drink! And can we get some R. Kelly up in this motherfucker? Mayor Daddy needs to dance!

Anyone who peruses my archives knows that I endorsed Sarah Thomson in 2010 and voted for her, even when she dropped out and endorsed George Smitherman. My loathing for Hizzoner is also nothing short of legendary. Some of my best recent writing has detailed that hatred at length. Not only am I better writer for hating Rob Ford, I'm a better man.

But neither of things colour my opinion all that much. The real question is: "Why would Sarah Thomson lie?"

Thomson is enough of a big shot in this town that she can get media attention pretty much whenever she wants it. And even though I voted for her, I'm not exactly hearing a Moby Dick-like drum chorus for a repeat performance.

Even if she is laying the groundwork for another run, this is the kind of allegation you drop two days before an election, not two years. Who's even going to remember this story in the fall of 2014, especially given Hizzoner's legion of other fuck-ups; past, present and future?

On the other hand, she might be nuts. This is, after all, a woman in mid-40s with dreadlocks and isn't known to have sired children with Bob Marley, or even Peter Tosh. It seems unlikely, but the possibility can't be entirely ruled out.

But what does Ford have going for him? Even the Mayor's staunchest defenders aren't stupid enough to seriously suggest that he's actually innocent of anything anymore. Instead, they just argue that he isn't scuzzy enough to be thrown out of office because of it.

I'm personally inclined to believe Thomson's story, if only because it perfectly fits a narrative that Ford's own conduct over twelve years has assiduously built. It's almost impossible to imagine a level of assholerly that this idiot won't stoop to. If you told me that he wanted to buy that park next to his house because he had run out burial space for freshly murdered whores on his own property, I wouldn't dismiss it as quickly as you might think I would.

That's the problem with Ford. Each and every negative story about him has been true enough to make the next one at least plausible. The only question that arises now is, "Is this worth forcing a new election over?"

And you know what? It's well past time that conservatives stop defending this asshole. While it helps him mightily, it only destroys conservatism in this city.

There's pretty much no saving Ontario Provincial Conservative leader, Tim Hudak, who is going to face his second almost fetishized humiliation this spring. But Stephen Harper faces the very real possibility of having his Toronto seats divided up between the NDP and Liberals in 2015, a possibility that's more likely if a self-destructive Rob Ford is still in office.

The Ford phenomenon isn't unlike what's happening with the Republicans in the United States. Their loonier candidates discourses on the merits of rape babies makes it difficult for well-meaning voters to elect rational conservatives who could give a shit about such nonsense. So the left wins by default.

Because of the way that the left works, I'd say that Ford is still the favourite to win in 2014. But that isn't going to help Tim Hudak, who has maybe a dozen chromosomes too many, and it will almost certainly hurt Harper in area code 416, and possibly 905.

Don't forget, Toronto is still a fundamentally liberal city. We only elect conservatives when the left implodes on itself. But we're still, far and away, the biggest and most important city in the country. We carried Jean Chretien to victory three times in a row. Harper only won his majority when he started carrying seats in the Greater Toronto Area.

Want an even more liberal Harper government? Keep Ford in office and let the Liberals and the NDP run against him, instead of Harper. If you think that Harper won the GTA seats that he did last time for any reason other than the Liberals were in a state of national collapse, you're fucking kidding yourselves.

Even if he's re-elected, Ford will be the last "conservative" mayor of Toronto in a good long time. At some point, you have to count on the left getting their all their shit in one sock. If Olivia Chow loses in 2014, she'll have a virtually lock on 2018. And who will we have?

Ford has to be stopped from running again, and only conservatives can do that. His amen choir in the media and the stupid fucking blogosphere has to understanding that this is about something bigger than Rob Ford. I understand the urge to protect him from removal during his elective term, but anything after that is an act of self-mutilation.

When Ford becomes shorthand for conservative in this city, conservatives are fucked, both municipally and provincially. And we're going to be handicapped more than we have to be federally.

Worse than that, we destroy ourselves on the one thing that's supposed to matter - principle. It's bad enough that Conservatives have rallied around Harper's spending spree and pretended that it's something other than what it is. Defending Ford's continued self-destructive behaviour instead of calling him on it is an open invitation for no self-respecting person to take our calls for personal responsibility seriously ever again.

If nothing is ever Ford's fault, why is anything anyone else's fault?

At that point, what conservatism even mean?


The worst part of the Sarah Tompson allegations is that they buried this story, which should horrify anyone that knows anything about anything. If you want to truly estroy the conceptof good government, turn they keys over to the fucking lobbyists. I can't think of a faster way to do it.

Rob Ford Has Got to be Fucking Kidding

Ever notice how O.J Simpson never remarried? I wish my mayor was as bright as the erstwhile Juice

I spent a good chunk of last fall writing about Toronto Mayor Rob Ford's latest - and most egregious- fuck up, the conflict of interest beef that very nearly had his tubby ass shoved out of office with a frontloader.

Long story short; As a city councillor, Etobicoke Slim used city letterhead to hit up scumbag lobbyists for donations to his silly fucking football foundation. The city's integrity commissioner agreed and ordered Ford to return the money. City council later voted to so order the same.

After Ford became mayor, Council voted on the stupid fucking mess again. This time, Ford spoke and voted on the matter, prompting a guy named Paul Magder to sue Hizzoner under the Municipal Conflict of Interest Act. Madger won at trial and Ford was ordered removed from office. That decision was reversed on appeal in January.

As I said throughout this stupid nightmare, I didn't think that Hizzoner's speech and vote constituted enough of a conflict to warrant removal, but that I would take it. Nor was I expect Justice Hackland to rule the way that he did. However, when the initial ruling came down, I did expect it to be upheld by the Superior Court.

The worst and most unforgivable sin was the solicitation from lobbyists. Were I writing the laws, that would have resulted in immediate expulsion and lifetime disqualification from holding higher office.

I've said this dozens of times in this space: Lobbyists are the root of all evil in modern democracy. Both conservatives and liberals should feel this way because lobbies fuck up all of their dream policies. Conservatives can't get rational tax reform because of special interest loopholes, and liberals can't get much of anything without those same interests finding a way to pervert it into a means of self-enrichment.

I've spent years listening to assholes moan about the corrosive effect of money in politics, which is unmitigated bullshit. Don't believe me? Ask Karl Rove, who spent north of $200 million in the last U.S election and sending exactly no one to Washington. Or Sheldon Adelson, who did pretty much the same thing with the same result. Even with an awesomely stupid electorate, money didn't accomplish anything close to what it was supposed to.

The truly corrupting thing in politics is politicians or their staffers decamping to lucrative lobbying gigs. And it's shocking how often lobbyists wind up running campaigns, supposed because they're just that civic-minded.

Ford's a guy who made his name railing against the "gravy train." Lobbyists exist only to ensure that that train stops at their stations, and those of their well-heeled clients, as frequently as possible.

The fact that the solicitation of favors from lobbyists by elected officials in this province isn't a crime in this province is nothing less than stunning to me. And remember, l'affaire Ford began with solicitations to lobbyists.

So what's Etobicoke Slim been doing with his time lately?

Mayor Rob Ford is still asking registered lobbyists to donate to his football foundation — a practice that violates the city’s code of conduct and led to the court case that nearly forced him out of office.

Two lobbyists showed the Star fundraising letters Ford sent them within the past two months on behalf of the foundation. Ford hand-signed both letters.

Of course he is. Of fucking course he is.

Oh, it gets better, too.

Andy Manahan, executive director of the Residential and Civil Construction Alliance of Ontario, said he received a letter on Jan. 28 — only three days after Ford won his appeal in the conflict of interest saga that began with his decision to solicit donations from lobbyists in 2009. (Ed: emphasis mine)

(...)

Manahan said he has not met with Ford but has met with a member of his staff.

The second registered lobbyist asked not to be named for fear of alienating the Ford administration. He said, “I think it’s kind of suspicious. The only interactions I’ve had with him were on city business or as a lobbyist registrant.”

He added: “It goes back to: are you allowed to use names and contact information from business dealings to raise funds? Is that permitted? It sure seems strange.”

(...)

Ford also sent a fundraising letter in the past two months to a non-lobbyist who does business with the city and whose fortunes he could directly influence: Brian Ashton, president of the Canadian National Exhibition Association, which stages the annual fair.

Ashton received a letter from Ford on Jan. 10 — three days after Ford’s lawyer argued his appeal in court but before the judges released their decision.

As mayor, Ford is automatically a member of the association board; if Ashton seeks re-election, Ford could vote for or against him. Under its new governance model, the association will pay rent of more than $3 million to the city in 2013.

“It’s awkward because if you’re doing business with the city in any fashion, do you feel a sense of obligation?” said Ashton, a former centrist councillor who retired from politics in 2010. “If you don’t (donate), will that influence his impression or support of your organization?”

Ashton is currently urging council members not to put a casino at Exhibition Place. He said the fundraising letters are “unnerving” because “the Fords are very powerful in Toronto.”

“I just hope that (Rob Ford) separates the two and doesn’t allow fundraising efforts to influence decisions with respect to the casino or any other CNE business,” Ashton said

Ford's defenders, several of whom have been friendly to me and this blog, have suggested that what Ford's doing is okay because it's for charity and not for him. This is misguided on several counts.

First, the Rob Ford Football Foundation is something that he's repeatedly cited in his campaigns. Therefore, regardless of its intention or the work it does, it is a political tool of the mayor's.

Second, it's clearly very important to Ford personally. That being the case, what's the difference between his asking lobbyists for foundation donations or asking for them to buy him a car?

Third, the appearance of and potential for corruption remain. What if a lobbyist who gives receives decisions from the city favourable to his clients? What if a lobbyist who refuses doesn't?

Fourth, he's still using city time and resources to work for the Ford Foundation. Despite everything, he continues to insist on doing exactly what started all the chaos the city went through in the first place.

The mayor's hubris is undeniable, but it's hardly unbelievable. He's a guy who celebrates a near-death experience by standing on his roof in a lightning storm with a fucking golf club. It's amazing to watch, but it isn't especially surprising.

As much as his defenders like to suggest otherwise, the constant controversies surrounding Etobicoke Slim aren't inventions of the media or some dubious leftist cabal. Almost without exception, he's brought them on himself by his own conduct. His enemies haven't done themselves any favors by congregating around a certain law firm whose clients include a lobbyist who worked on the campaign of one of Ford's 2010 opponents, but almost everything that has happened to Ford in office is something that he's done to himself.

I'm something of a prophet, which I don't get recognized for enough. So I'll remind you of something I said in November.

Hoping that he changes his attitude is a fool's errand. Rob Ford's entire life is a textbook exercise in entitlement. Since he inherited his money and his political career, there's no reason to believe that he's going to re-evaluate his character at this late date. After his near-constant, self-inflicted humiliations, he still blames everyone but himself.

It took Hizzoner three days after only barely surviving in office to return to the behaviour that nearly cost him his job in the first place. Three days. Christ, Toronto doesn't have a respected statesman running our affairs, we elected Lindsay Lohan.

And you know what? We're almost certainly going to get another six years of this.

Because liberals insist on being liberals, they'll do what the did last time, which is run a dozen different candidates against Ford. Ford's political polling floor seems to be about 25%. If a dead child prostitute is found in Rob's bed, a quarter of the electorate will believe that George Smitherman put her there and vote accordingly. He could lose half of his 2010 vote and still conceivably have a path to victory.

The only way that Rob Ford is going anywhere in 2014 is if a solid, adult conservative challenges him. But conservatives tend to be disciplined and the fear that challenging Ford would only elect Olivia Chow would stop most of them from doing it.

You think Ford is going to grow the fuck up after he's re-elected? I don't. He's already busy laying the groundwork for the next half-dozen scandals that will prevent him from doing anything at all as mayor.

And when conservatism is wiped out once and for all in this city, conservatives will have no one to blame but themselves for having supported that dickhead in the first place.

More likely, he'll create a Watergate-sized scandal that the courts and Council simply can't ignore.