While at a San Fransisco strip club earlier this month, the Artist Formerly Known as Jenna Marie Massoli told a CBS reporter that, "When you're rich, you want a Republican in office."
There's no disputing Jenna's wealth. Far and away the most successful performer in pornography's storied history, she was reported to have earned $24 million by the time she was 24 years old. By 2005, her website, ClubJenna, was generating annual revenues of about $30 million and profits of roughly $15 million. A year later, she sold it to Playboy for a metric shit-ton of money.
If I knew that cocksucking could be so lucrative, I likely would've rethought my priorities when I was a much younger man. I too once had a really pretty mouth.
However, she's superior to me in almost every way. In the late 90s, Jenna Jameson was the ultimate porno slut. Her body was the very definition of perfection. Sure, she had D cup implants, but they weren't obnoxious or comical in the way that most smut fakers usually are. Her ass was heart-breaking, which she acknowledged with a "Heart Breaker" tattoo on the upper right cheek. She was also blessed with one of the prettiest cunts I've ever seen, either in person or on film. And I'm renowned the world over for my extensive studies of cunt. I've buried my face in so much of it that I'm actually recognized as an expert by courts in multiple jurisdictions.
Jenna's real money-maker was her face. She was the perfect "Girl Next Door," in a way that no porn star has been, before or since. Women in the industry now are, on average, far more beautiful than they were even in Jameson's heyday, but you can't imagine any of them being the corn-fed cheerleader that Middle America instantly falls in love with. Jenna did project that, which is what made watching her swallowing a gigantic wang feel so wrong that it just had to be right. To this day, she remains the ideal that industry never again matched. I could write a New Yorker- length expose on the things that I've done to myself while watching Jenna's fine films, making it a mystery while David Remnick hasn't hired me yet. I can easily match his 15,000 word essay to the majesty of Bruce Springsteen with my own equally florid testament to the little slice of heaven that lives between Jenna Jameson's legs.
That Jenna Jameson, the one that caused me to beat off to the point of functional illiteracy, I would follow directly into hell, irrespective of her asinine opinions on politics and economics. I know that it would be factually wrong, but following the instincts of my groin hasn't led me wrong yet, has it?
The only problem is that that Jenna died somewhere around the time that she started ClubJenna with her erstwhile husband, Jay Grdina (formerly Justin Sterling.) At that point, her porn started to become arthouse projects, with fast cuts and bizarre breakaways. I love Belladonna the way that most Christians love their bible, but the editing in Bella Loves Jenna distracted me from truly savouring watching her eat Jenna's pussy and finger her asshole.
Like respectable conservatives everywhere, I take a hard line against artistic elitism. It's really, really hard to beat off when I have think about what I'm beating off to. Were it up to me, most porn would be filmed by Kevin Smith, all static shots, intricate dialogue and Rosario Dawson. Also, Belladonna would be fucking herself with the business end of a baseball bat in all of them. Again, like most conservatives, I consider myself a traditionalist. I'm pretty sure that Bill O'Reilly feels the same way.
Jenna lost a ton of weight, took her tits out and got some awesomely odd lip implants that made her look like an emaciated duck. After shitting out a couple of some MMA guy's kids, her transformation into a well-coiffed Holocaust survivor was complete. By 2009 she passed by the MILF market and went into a stage that only someone with a necrophilia fetish could love. It was one of the most terrifying things I've ever witnessed. It's a safe bet that her 2006 retirement from professional cocksucking wasn't entirely voluntary.
As you might imagine, I have no problem criticizing the political and economic ideas of a girl who wound up looking like that. Intellectual discourse is considerably easier when you're taking issue with a woman whose ass you don't want to slide your tongue inside. That's just good science, people.
You would think that modern Republican economics would work out nicely for the rich. In fact, the opposite is true.
Back when Jenna Jameson was the hottest thing on Earth, I was dating a woman in California. Going to see her between 1999 and 2002 was insanely expensive, given the exchange rate between the U.S and Canadian dollars. To buy a dollar's worth of something in California then cost me about $1.43.
During the last three weeks of the 2004 presidential campaign, I was with a woman in Michigan. By then my funny-looking money was worth considerably more; a dollar's worth of American stuff only cost about a buck twenty five.
By the time Barack Obama was elected the Canadian dollar was trading about even with its American counterpart. And it's pretty much stayed there ever since. I was slamming crotches of some broad from Pennsylvania at the time, and she couldn't stop complaining about how expensive Toronto had become.
I'll let you in on a little secret. Giant bronze coins with loons on them don't actually have magical powers of appreciation. The fact is that the Greenback has depreciated dramatically, due almost entirely to Republican economic policies. The Bush Administration's (and that of the Republican Congress) allergy to money cut the value of the dollar almost in half.
During the Clinton Administration, Jenna was under contract to Wicked Pictures, who paid her a fortune. Not long after the first Bush tax cut passed, she was working for herself under the ClubJenna banner. So yes, she was bringing in more take-home money under the Bush regime because there was no middle-man and she was paying about 3% less in federal taxes, but the money she was bringing home was worth less and less in real terms.
Were it not for the Euro crisis and interest rates that have been at nearly zero for almost five years, the money ClubJenna made would be almost meaningless. In terms of real purchasing power, she was probably making more working for Wicked under Clinton than she was working for herself under Bush. In terms that almost anyone can understand. every cumshot that Jenna Jameson took to the face after 2003 was worth about half as much as the ones she took in the 90's.
I'm of the considered scientific opinion that each blowjob I get is more priceless than the last. But for Jenna Jameson, it was different. Every knob she polished over the years (And the only one she polished during the years she worked for herself was her loser husband's) had a lower rate of return than the one's she had worked a decade earlier. Joesph Kennedy, Sr. had a great way of ignoring the way he made his fortune. Despite becoming rich from bootlegging and stock manipulation, he ignored the fact the fact that FDR closed those loopholes for everyone else as he supported him.
Jenna Jameson is essentially doing the same thing in supporting the GOP. Richard Nixon buried the 1969 President's Commission on Obscenity and Pornography as soon as it revealed that porn was among the five most wonderful things on Earth. Nixon then sent to prison a cat who thought it humorous to print an illustrated version of said report a year later. The only dissenting opinion in the report was written by the anti-porn activist, and later celebrated fraudster, Charles Keating. Keating was Nixon's only appointee to the Commission.
The Reagan Administration's Meese Report (The 1986 Attorney General's Commission on Pornography) was also heavily skewed to the religious right's point of view and ignored most available scientific evidence and lead to increased federal obscenity prosecutions in the late 1980s.
The greatest obscenity ever was what happened after 9/11. Flush with new money, Attorney General John Ashcroft directed the Department of Justice to increase the resources devoted obscenity prosecutions. After all, it wasn't as if the United States wasn't at war or faced with near-constant terrorist threats, or anything. In taking the Miller test to a retarded new level, DOJ managed to put Max Hardcore away in the federal hoosegow for a good long time.
The case of United States of America v. Paul F. Little is instructive. DOJ ordered Hardcore's material through the mail from the northern district of Florida, instead of prosecuting him where the material was actually produced, California. Remember, it wasn't the state of Florida - who would've had the controlling jurisdiction - that filed charges, it was the federal government. They went jurisdiction shopping solely in order to get a conviction.
Despite listening to years of supposedly conservative voices bitch about the "chilling" effects of First Amendment guarantees by private persons and institutions, not a single Republican voice that I'm aware of spoke out against the Federal government's abuses in the Little case. Not one.
The facts are clear. Republicans are far more likely than not to shithammer pornography with the full force of the federal government simply because it pleases their superstiitous base. There doesn't seem to be much of a debate about "small, limited government" in federal obscenity prosecutions, even though the controlling case law, Miller v. California, seems tailored to state and local cases, which almost never happen.
While you can an (albeit counter factual) argument that " "When you're rich, you want a Republican in office," you can't argue that Republicans are anything but detrimental to way that professional cocksuckers like Jenna Jameson got rich in the first fucking place. Well, I guess you can, because she does. But you can't do it honestly.
Update - 23 August 2012: Ms. Jameson responds via Twitter:
I read your half ass piece you wrote on me. It was vapid and sad, a lot like your appearanceNow, if you know anything about me, you know how much that hurts. I'm epecially sensitive about looking "vapid and sad." That's a congenital defect and not something I can do anything about.
Or can I? Maybe if I dropped 40 pounds and got my lips done, I could take a smouldering mug shot, too!
0 comments:
Post a Comment