Oh hi, LIndsay!

It really doesn't matter to me that Lindsay Lohan is a drunk, coke-addled, unemployable and more familiar with courtrooms than Hollywood premiers, and it shouldn't matter to you, either. In fact, these are things that right-thinking people everywhere consider "character building exercises." A beautiful woman, after all, can still be ungodly boring, even if she does have huge tits and an allergy to brassieres.

Besides, Lindsay almost instinctively knows that in life - as in the business of show - that presentation is everything. And as we learned in the leaked outtakes from her photo shoot this week for Love magazine, Lohan's presentation skills are get more awesome as she gets older. It truly is a delightful thing to behold.

The ability to present - or as some call it, putting your best face forward - is instrumental to achieving the important things in life, being it fame, success or love. While success seems to have escaped her powdery hands forever, Lindsay knows how to ensure that I'll always love her.

It's as if she read my mind and began studying the porno sluts that I've cherished since childhood. Everything I truly needed to learn about life was gleaned from the issues of Penthouse that my late father had strewn everywhere, from the bathroom floor to the kitchen table. Of course that was back in the 1970s, but my father honoured and was awed by the vast collection of pornography that I had accumulated here in the Fucktorium; VHS tapes the stretched from floor to ceiling, hundreds of DVDs, a library of smutty magazines from the ages, and terabyte after terabyte of spray-tanned deities presenting and displaying their gifts, both natural and unnatural.

Because Lindsay Lohan knows these things, she'll always have a place in my heart. Whenever I shove my hand down my pants and squeeze my junk until my fucking knuckles turn white, she can know that I'll be thinking of her, her giant knockers and her tiny alabaster ass cheeks.

And if that's not love, I just don't know what is. I only wish that I had first seen these pictures on Valentine's Day.

Special thanks to What Would Tyler Durden Do (SFW) and Drunken Stepfather (NSFW)