You know, I was just starting to admire Herman Cain and then this happens.It wasn't always so. For most of the year, I thought that Mr. Cain was a dick and emblematic of everything that's wrong with politics. Not only was everything that he knew wrong, he couldn't have been more smug about it. More importantly, the nickname that he gave his economic plan had the disquieting tendency of making Schindler's List sound like a friggin' sitcom.
While everything he said was silly in ways that learned adults have trouble comprehending, I still grew to respect Herman Cain. More specifically, I grew to respect his penis.
Lookee, say what you will about the man, but he managed to be married, carry on a thirteen-year long affair and have no fewer than four sexual harassees, all the while lobbying his ass off. What energy! I ask you, how can you not admire the dedication it takes to put your wang in so many strange places?
Of course, that's ultimately what sunk his jokey presidential campaign. No self-respecting Republican would be caught cheating on his wife with adult women. If it were meth addled teenage boys that were the object of ol' Herm's affections, he'd probably have won the nomination by acclimation, but it wasn't to be. This is what happens when novices get into politics.
I will say one thing about the Cain train. As their sad and strange campaign ground to a fucking dead stop, it did become pretty expert in the very identity politics that Republicans used to mock. Cain, his idiot blogosphere cheerleaders, and the ghouls at Fox News never failed to point out that the candidate was black, which they imply was the source of his recent misery. Granted, they had some practice, having spent the last three years passionately displaying the genitals of both Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann whenever one of them said anything impossibly dumb. The GOP really has come a long way from making gender-based jokes about Hillary Clinton and Janet Reno, haven't they?
The persecution complex of these fucking people is nothing less than phenomenal. The way that modern conservatives - very few of whom are actually conservative in a traditional sense, or under the dictionary definition of the word - play identity politics almost brings a tear to your eye. I'm pretty sure that's ultimately why Barney Frank is retiring. When even the most revolutionary Republicans can't go before a television camera without being a whimpering cocksucker and asking why everybody keeps picking on them, his work is pretty much done. It seems like only twenty years ago that conservative thinkers were publishing innumerable books condemning "the culture of victimhood", a number of which I read. Now they actually define that culture . Progress!
There is a distinction, however. Herman Cain, Sarah Palin and Michele Bachmann rarely play the race card themselves. They let white males - which sort of includes Ann Coulter - do it for them.
Lest you think the Pizza Train is going off track, be schooled, teenagers!
In suspending his candidacy, as opposed to saying that he was quitting the race or ending his bid, Mr. Cain maintained his ability to accept money to pay for his campaign so far and to finance the new venture that he called his Plan B: to travel the country promoting his tax and foreign policy plans. If Mr. Cain had decided to formally close his campaign organization, he would not be able to use donations that may come in.Let's see, Cain is shutting down shop in all but name, so that folks can continue donating money to what's billing itself as a presidential campaign, although the head of said campaign is no longer seeking the presidency. Shifty and devious, just like a ... Republican.
Having said that, I agree that he should "travel the country promoting his tax and foreign policy plans." Especially his foreign policy plans, since they're so thoroughly thought out.
People really need to hear this, and Herman Cain is just the kind of cat to tell you. Plus, he'll try to fuck you. Just don't tell his wife, okay?
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