The Ballad of Lonesome Jack

Whenever some Republican shitheel tells you that they want to change the way Washington works, you should kick him directly in the calls and laugh as he hits the ground. The fact is that they had their chance to do that between 1995 and 2007. And you know what they did? They made Washington work for them. Y'know, when they weren't out trolling for some homosex.

If you ever have some free time and the inclination to be completely disgusted with the GOP, I suggest that you do some reading on then- House whip Tom DeLay's K Street Project.

The K Street Project was DeLay's effort to take the axis of campaign politics, government and lobbying that the Democrats had perfected over several decades and replace it with a more Republican-inclined one. DeLay and the GOP majority wasn't interested in reforming shit, and anyone that actually believed that they were is an abject idiot and should be drowned for their own good.

It should be pointed out that Newt Gingrich, who is adorably delusional enough to think that he can be elected president next year, presided over the entire mess.

It was from the cesspool of the K Street Project that the felonious two-legged beast Jack Abramoff rose. Abramoff's life and career warrants some study, as well, and I can't recommend Alex Gibney's 2010 documentary Casino Jack and the United States of Money to you enough. It's as good a primer into how the world of big-time world lobbying works as you're likely to find.

Of course, everybody still likes to pretend that the savage saga of Casino Jack is the exception to the rule because if they admitted the truth, practically everyone currently involved in politics would not only go right to fucking jail, they'd very likely be deported to Angola afterwards. Instead, only Abramoff, a few of his assistants and a hapless Ohio hick like Bob Ney did.

The fact is there's really no other way that the story could have ended. Jack's single biggest sin was that he took what happens in government every day to such cartoon villain levels that he couldn't avoid being called out. But, in the end, Abramoff is a pretty accurate reflection of how the entire twisted industry is supposed to work.

Because the insolent twats in politics, lobbying and the media actually believe that you're stupid, they want you to believe that the problem is money, rather than influence. And if you actually are stupid, you'll believe them. Granted, you'll be ignoring the fact that money is nothing more than an instrument of influence and not influence itself, but everyone will feel better for your inability to think independently.

The fact is that you can pass all the campaign finance reforms in the world and never actually address the problem. Sure, you'll feel better for the effort, mostly because you're not especially bright, but you'll effectively be treating cancer with lollipops.

Repeat after me: "Money. Is. Not. The Problem." Don't believe me? Let's ask Jack, who - for all of his celebrated faults - is something of an expert on the issue. Luckily, he discussed it on 60 Minutes last weekend.



Let's look at the key parts of the segment, shall we

Abramoff: When we would become friendly with an office and they were important to us, and the chief of staff was a competent person, I would say or my staff would say to him or her at some point, "You know, when you're done working on the Hill, we'd very much like you to consider coming to work for us." Now the moment I said that to them or any of our staff said that to 'em, that was it. We owned them. And what does that mean? Every request from our office, every request of our clients, everything that we want, they're gonna do. And not only that, they're gonna think of things we can't think of to do.

Neil Volz: Jack Abramoff could sweet talk a dog off a meat truck, that's how persuasive he was.

Neil Volz was one of the staffers Abramoff was talking about. He was chief of staff to Congressman Bob Ney, who as chairman of the House Administration Committee had considerable power to dispense favors. Abramoff targeted Volz and offered him a job.

Stahl: You're the chief of staff of a powerful congressman. And Jack owns you and you haven't even left working for the congressman.

Volz: I have the distinct memory of, you know, negotiating with Jack at a hockey game. So we're, you know, just a few rows back. The crowd's goin' crazy. And Jack and I are havin' a business conversation. And, you know, I'm-- I'm wrestlin' with how much I think I should get paid. And then five minutes later we're-- he's askin' me questions about some clients of his.

Stahl: When you look back was that the corrupting moment?

Volz: I think we were guilty of engaging in a corrupt relationship. So there were several corrupting moments. There isn't just one moment. There were many.

That, teenagers, is how influence works. At the end of the day, campaign finance reform isn't going to ever address that. Neither will the silly little nibbling around the edges that constitutes lobbying reform. Lesley Stahl's fake outrage and Abamoff's Hallmark card contrition aside, the system is working exactly the way it was designed to.

Here in Canada, the Harper Conservatives are congratulating themselves over their useless lobbying reforms and Canada's scumbag lobbyists are indignant over same. But all those reforms do is keep currently registered lobbyists out of election campaigns, which is effectively meaningless. They don't prohibit campaign or government staffs - or even politicians themselves - from future lobbying. And that's the only thing that's going to work.

Again, from Abramoff on 60 Minutes;

He says the most important thing that needs to be done is to prohibit members of Congress and their staff from ever becoming lobbyists in Washington.

Abramoff: If you make the choice to serve the public, public service, then serve the public, not yourself. When you're done, go home. Washington's a dangerous place. Don't hang around.

If you've been reading this blog for awhile, that will sound oddly familiar to you, if only because that's exactly what I've been saying - almost word for word - for years now.

Now, sleazy politically-connected zillionaire lobbyists are going to (or already have) respond to these points by saying "But that's not me, or even most lobbyists. We work on behalf of charities, hospitals, orphanages and shit." Which doesn't make a lick of fucking difference. Furthermore, that argument rests on the premise that you're a moron.

It doesn't matter who a former politician or their staffers lobby for. In relation to the lobbying itself's corrupting effect on the system, there's no difference between Doctors Without Borders, Big Tobacco or even NAMBLA. Who the client is couldn't be more immaterial. The industry itself, as currently constituted and regulated, is an open invitation to abuse by some of the worst fucking people on earth.

Don't look to bloggers to even talk about it all that much. The bloggers who aren't actually retarded, addicted to simplistic talking points, or both (which is most of them) are already in somebody's hip pocket, or very much want to be. Some either want to be political staffers or lobbyists. Others just want influence with one or both. That's why they always talk about who's lobbying for whom, and never the way the lobbying industry itself is structured. If you make it a partisan issue, you neutralize the issue itself. 99% of the bloggers who are actually smart enough to understand how the system is fucked are either already part of it or are actively trying to be.

Think Lesley Stahl is going to do a giant expose? Think again. I'm willing to bet that her bosses at Viacom hire multiple lobbying firms, all of which employ former politicians and their staffers. Look at the networks that produce the news, and then think of the corporations that own those networks. I'm actually surprised that 60 Minutes had the balls to close out the Abramoff profile the way they did. I thought that I was going to be the only person who said that in public for a very long time.

Lastly, don't expect politicians are going to do. Remember, they and their staffers are the ones that most directly benefit from the system as it is currently is. No amount of public outrage (which there never will be because the issue lacks sex appeal) is going to outweigh the self-interest of the political and lobbying classes. It just won't. But if you want to see just how futile it is, write your MP or Congressman. Let me know what they tell you, especially if they respond with anything other than derisive laughter.

However, soulless cyborgs like Stephen Harper will institute the most tepid and meaningless reforms from time to time, lobbyists will pretend to be outraged about them and everyone will think that something is being accomplished, when it isn't. And then folks will pretend to be outraged when Harper cronies Rahim Jaffer or Bruce Carson come out of the lobbying woodwork with pussy actually spilling out of their pockets. But most folks only ever pay attention to the pussy.

Lookee, it's easy to point fingers at Jack Abramoff, mostly because he had the monumentally bad judgement to wear a black hat to his sentencing hearing. But you have to understand that he only perfected a system that existed decades before he came to town, albeit so flamboyantly that you have to wonder if it wasn't fuelled entirely by hubris and crank. But as Abramoff himself tells us, no one is doing anything to prevent the next Jack Abramoff from twisting democracy into an unrecognizable husk of what it's supposed to be.

And no one really cares, which just proves that there's a little Jack Abramoff in all over us.