I've spent the better part of a decade dreaming about seeing Lindsay Lohan in handcuffs, but never like this. My wish to se her physically restrained involved her humiliation, to be sure, but I always wanted that to be a private matter, just between the two of us. Unless she actually wanted TMZ cameras recording the tawdry spectacle for the world to see, which I also wouldn't object to. Women say that I'm a giving lover for a reason, you know. But it was always a sexual thing with me, as opposed to a pernicious fiat by the judiciary.
I've written endlessly about the state of California's persecution of La Lohan and the wrongness thereof. The courts, lo these many years later, just don't seem to understand that she really is better than the rest of us. This is amazing, in that they've spent as much time looking at her tits as the rest of us have.
I always thought that anyone with jugs as spectacular as Lindsay's has the constitutional right to give the finger to the judicial system.The fact that this apparently isn't taught in America's law schools says, more than anything, that America ignores God's Natural Law. Maybe Fred Phelps was right after all, and Kevin Smith's majestic Red State was more of a documentary than anyone is willing to admit.
For the record, I'm not predisposed to defending drunk driving. I don't drive precisely because I enjoy spending the majority of my life inebriated. I'm a much better person when I'm drunk. I help the homeless, which is the kind of shit that I would never do sober. But drunk driving has the annoying habit of killing people who are just going about their daily business. which makes it indefensible.
That, however, is entirely beside the point. Lindsay hasn't driven drunk in something like two years. That's gotta be worth something, right?
No, she's being continually being fucked over by The Man over probation violations. Which makes sense until you recognize that probation is a stupid fucking concept to begin with.
If you break the law, you should go directly to fucking jail. The problem is that they're are so goddamned many stupid fucking laws against horseshit that taxpayers can't afford the necessary jail space. The concept of probation allows idiots to think that the system is still working, when it does no such thing.
Let's get over the idea that Lohan is being raked over the coals for drunk driving, okay? She isn't. She being raked over the coals for violating her probation, the terms of which were retarded to begin with, and have nothing at all to do with her original crime.
One of the conditions of Lindsay's probation was that she work in an abused women's shelter. Apparently, she found this to be "not fulfilling," which is the source of her current legal dilemma.
This has driven everyone that isn't me all out of sorts, mostly because I've dated women who claim to have been abused and found them to be a huge pain in the ass. Neither was physically abused, but both were so bitchy and crazy that that fact speaks to the restraint of their respective husbands more than anything else.
I've been in Lindsay Lohan's position. And I'd prefer jail , too.
.gif ruthlessly stolen from What Would Tyler Durden Do
Written at the behest of our Maximum Leader.
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