Why Republicans are fucked

Unlike every election since I was fourteen years old, I just can't bring myself to care about the Republican primaries, and the endless goddamn debates therein, all that much. It's just so sadly predictable and retarded that getting excited about it would make me feel sadly predictable and retarded.

Here's the Tea Party script, in a nutshell: Someone - usually Rick Perry or Michele Bachmann - says something delusionally fucking crazy. The rest of the candidates that aren't Jon Huntsman or Gary Johnson try to say something even crazier. Herman Cain goes out of his way to remind me of Jesse Jackson, and Newt Gingrich can't stop reminding me - and everyone else -  me of Newt Gingrich.

A number of my commenters think I'm wrong in suggesting that Barack Obama is a cinch for re-election next year. But after watching just five minutes of the crazy jerk-offs that Republicans have to choose between, it's hard to see how Obama can lose. Even if the president of the United States were indicted were indicted for running a child-prostitution ring (a constitutional impossibility, I know), he would still beat Rick Perry by at least five points. I think Huntsman could beat Obama, but the fucking wing-nuts that vote in Republican primaries are more interested in making a point than they are in winning an election. Mitt Romney's almost certainly going to be the nominee, but he's going to be forced into so many psychotic positions during the primaries that Obama won't be able to not beat him by at least three points.

Despite being bored to tears by the entire exercise, something interesting actually did happen during last week's otherwise worthless Fox News-Google Republican debate. It was an exchange about Texas' version of the Dream Act, which gives the children of immigrants, even illegal ones, in-state college tution rates.

This is the kind of nonsense that Republicans love talking about, because it has absolutely nothing to do with the Office of the President, which doesn't have college tuition listed among its enumerated constitution powers. GOP presidential candidates often involve themselves in issues that well outside the constitutional reach of the office they seek because they're, y'know, all about small government.

Because he's a moron, Governor Perry utterly fucked up his response to Mitt Romney's whorish carping. He appealed to people's "hearts", seemingly unaware that this is the least favorite organ of any true conservative, myself included. And Republican primary voters are famous for cheering executions and the preventable deaths of the uninsured,  and booing gay soldiers serving in Iraq. Appealing to the hearts of these chucklefucks is possibly the worst political strategy I've ever heard of.

If Perry was smart, which he decidedly ain't, he'd appeal to whatever sense of political expedience they have left. Given their stated position on evolution and climate change, they aren't really good at science, and the Ryan Plan makes me question their comfort with math. But they Electoral College is a mathematical model, which even the goofiest of Tea Partiers would do well to respect.

Young Rick should have picked up on the opportunity that George W. Bush irredeemably threw away during the debate over the McCain-Kennedy immigration reform bill in 2007. The narrative would involve both governing and politics.

And it would go something like this ...

Gov. Perry: Okay, numbnuts, let's look at my situation for a second here, okay? You keep telling us that RomneyCare was fine the Neverland of your third state, but impossibly fucking evil for the rest of the country. Let's apply that logic more broadly.

I don't know if the Church of Latter Day Saints or the modern Republican primary electorate let's you look at maps, and I don't especially give a shit.

I govern Texas, which constitutes over half of Mexico's border with the United States. Unsurprisingly, there are a ton of wetbacks there. Your Gestapo talk from four years ago about rounding up 13 million people for deportation is so violently unconstitutional that it just ain't gonna happen, so let's drop that shit, right here and right now.

I'm stuck with these fucking people, which means that I'm stuck with a helluva choice. I can either educate them now, or incarcerate them later. While college might be slightly more expensive than prison, you have to realize that you can easily get more than four years for just double-parking where I come from. We're a very backward people that way. Texans also believe in ghosts and UFO abductions.

Hey, did you also know that every dollar spent on building prisons is a dollar that can't be given away in brutally stupid tax cuts? Well, I guess it can, but that means that we'd have to borrow the whole wad of prison-building dough from China, which would be incredibly ironic, if I knew what irony was.

Oh, and did I mention that I'm a fucking politician in Texas? That means I like getting elected between my throatfucking sessions with the oil and gas industry. And Hispanics are the political population bomb that could sink us all to the bottom of the fucking sea, pardner. As good Catholics, they fuck. A lot. So, in my neck of the woods, if you ain't winning Latinos, you ain't winning shit, son.

You have magical underpants and Michele over probably has a tampon that can detect a black helicopter from three hundred miles, so I shouldn't have to tell you this. But my lawyers and my political consultants say that most of the wetback kids are American citizens. That means they get to vote. And while I'm not much for fancy book-learnin', my political instincts tell me that "I'm going to deport your parents and deliberately keep you stupid" isn't an especially effective political slogan in the fucking barrio. Comprende, bendecchio?

Let's look at the Electoral College map. Nixon could win the presidency without Texas because he was from California. But he only barely won. When George H.W Bush lost California in '92, he got his ass kicked, even with Texas. That's why Florida, with all of it's demented Cubans, is so important to us. But the most demented Cubans are starting to die, and we can't rely on that state forever.

Jesus Christ, man, some negro named Barack Hussein Obama won the former Confederate states of Virginia, North Carolina and Florida just three years ago, largely on the strength of the Latino vote. If you believe that can't can't happen where I live, you're on even stronger drugs than I am. And I'm on the best drugs currently available on the black market. You don't think I'm naturally this stupid, do you?

Can you dream up a map where Republicans win without Texas? I sure as fuck can't. And that might not even make a difference when a darkie with a fucking terrorist name wins states like New Mexico without breaking a sweat. Shit, he came within eight points of winning Arizona, the home of our previous nominee! If you think we can win states like Michigan and Pennsylvania, which an avowed Marxist like McCain lost in landslides, you're even dumber than you look.

Thank y'all for your time.

The fact that Perry didn't say any of that tells me that's doomed in an almost biblical way. I'll be shocked if he's he's still in the race by Christmas.

Of course, this is something else that I've been saying since 2007, which is why I'm so bored of my own fucking blog.