This feeds into a another trick of modern journalism - scaring the fuck out of everyone. If you've watched a week of TV news over the last thirty years, I can guarantee you that you've seen at least one story along the lines of "How Your Cock Ring Can Kill You: A Special Investigation." When nothing is happening, the networks need ratings, so the convince you that you're going to meet your Creator in the most ridiculous way imaginable.
It doesn't worry me, however, because cock rings are redundant. If anything is going to kill me, it's the fact that it takes me forever to cum, when I cum at all. It turns out that thirty-five years of compulsive, punishing masturbation wasn't as good of an idea as it seemed when I was six. But that's why I write this blog, to teach the children about the things that can really fuck up their lives.
I call this Shark Week because in 2001, there were zillions of stories of about three people getting getting eaten by sharks. So for three months, the cable news networks contrived to persuade the American populace that everyone was in danger of being eaten by a shark, even if you lived in Nebraska. For good measure, they heavily implied that those God-fearing citizens that didn't fall victim to Jaws would be fucked to death by Congressman Gary Condit. Then September rolled around and there was that thing about Arabs and airplanes in New York City. Maybe you heard about it.
Well, when the news about Anthony Weiner plastering his penis all over Twitter, I knew that Shark Week had come early this year. More importantly, I knew that Shark Week had taken on new and hilarious proportions of stupidity. I say that because there is no shortage of important stuff ging on right now. Pakistan and Afghanistan are both accelerating their descent into chaos and the United States is now officially out of money.
In any sane country, those would be big stories. But this is America we're talking about, and the normal rules don't apply there anymore. Here's an interesting contrast. Last night, I went out and bought Eisenhower 1956: The President's Year of Crisis--Suez and the Brink of War by David A. Nichols. In that book, you learn how the president suffered a massive heart attack and contended with the British, French and Israeli invasion of Egypt - which could have sparked a nuclear war - during an election year. Mostly left out of the book is the Soviet invasion of Hungary during the campaign.
Compare that to this week's Modern American Catastrophe ... a mid-level Democrat's cock showing up on the Internet. Look, I believe that the debt ceiling vote is every bit as important today as the Suez Crisis was a half-century ago. If the United States defaults on its debt - or even gives serious clues that it might - no one will take it seriously again. Every Republican retard on Earth is running around screaming about Pakistan being a banana republic with nukes, while ignoring that America could very well be one by fucking Christmas.
You haven't heard much about that this past week because it was smothered in Weiner's pheromones.
Liberals, meanwhile, are stroking their goddamn beards and wondering if this is some kind of nefarious Republican plot to humiliate them with das Weiner wang at the expense of the issues. This goes to show just how smoking-hot stupid and weak liberals are. As if the fact that the story originated with Andrew Breitbart wasn't enough to convince them.
Breitbart is a blogger and bloggers, with very rare exceptions, shouldn't be taken seriously. Christ, I include myself in that. After all, what do you friggin' people really know about me anyway? For all any of you know, I could be in the hip pocket of any number of special interests. And you know what? That's true of all bloggers. I personally know of a couple who have been paid off to write a certain story a certain way. I'm not, but there's no way that you can know that other than by knowing or trusting me. I think I've made it clear by the way I write that I'm not connected to any corporation, political part or special interest, but there's no way that you can know that for certain.
Partisans lie on the Internet. Go figure. And Andrew Breitbart has a worse record of, shall we say, selective editing, than most. Okay, I'll be honest, the guy is a fucking scumbag and everybody that works for him should burn in Hell.
The fact is that virtually every partisan of any standing is lying and is probably being paid to lie. . The sooner you understand that, the better off you'll be. It also explains a lot of the highly selective outrage out there this week. Exposure of the Weiner schvanz has led to uniform calls for his resignation by Republicans, but that wasn't true of senators John Ensign and David Vitter, both of whom had engaged in more tawdry - and hilarious - conduct.
They also committed actual crimes. Ensign violated lobbying laws and Vitter solicited a madam who later committed suicide to avoid going to prison because they wanted to get their dicks wet. This week's GOP narrative is that Ensign resigned, which is true, but ignores the fact that it took two fucking years for him to do so, and there weren't that many Republicans calling for him to do so. Nevada, you see, is an increasingly competitive state.
It's pretty easy to say that Larry Craig should go because Democrats are extinct in Idaho, therefore the chances of losing that seat are practically nil. But if Craig was the junior senator from, say, New Mexico, I guarantee you that he'd still be in office. Republican outrage tends to be geographical, rather than moral. It should also be pointed out that they're, for the most part, bitter queens and Sarah Palin is their Judy Garland.
Bill Maher has has said that Republican men love Palin because they want to fuck her. But Bill Maher is wrong about a lot of things. No, they just want to be that fabulous, interchanging diamond cross and star of David pendants and being almost stupendously wrong about matters historical without consequence. And they love cock. Just ask Mark Foley.
Look, I'm not going to lie to you. I've sent pictures of my majestic wang to all kinds of women over the years. Why else would Al Gore have invented the Internet if not for that? The only difference is that I haven't gifted anyone with the visage of my wholly beautiful cock that didn't ask for it first, I am, after all, a gentleman and a true conservative. Also, Twitter didn't exist then.
More importantly, I actually went on to have sexual relations with a good percentage of the ladies who saw my beautiful, beautiful putz via e-mail. I'm just really special that way.
And that's where this week's Weiner fixation takes on a truly magnificent turn. You see, the congressman somehow felt it necessary to apologize to Bill Clinton for the broads that didn't blow him.
If, like me, you consider the Starr Report something like the Holy Grail, and the most romantic tale of all, you see the awkwardness in such an apology. We know that that the 42nd president of the United States finished the overwhelming percentage of his oral encounters with "that woman" by jerking off into the sink, as she knelt there, sad and horrified that he wouldn't give his biological deposit to her. . The one time that he did, it wound up before a Grand Jury and the United States Congress.
Clinton waited nine months and had to go to fucking Ireland before he personally apologized to Monica Lewinsky. And that was after his people savaged her as a psychopathic, cumslut stalker in public for almost a year.
Modern Republican orthodoxy is a philospohical mess of brazen lies and incomprehensible stupidity. If you spend any time at all studying the facts that underlie their narrative, you might very well cause the universe to collapse onto itself. The entire ideological construct rests on a foundation of ignorance and duplicity that almost defy the laws of fucking physics. Were he alive today, I can't imagine that Ike would do anything other than want to kill these assholes just as surely as he killed the Nazis or Tail gunner Joe McCarthy.
But because people like Anthony Weiner will always feel it necessary to apologize to Bill Clinton, the GOP will always win. They might lose the White House, but they'll always win the narrative, which is more important.
Welcome to Shark Week.
Video extremely NSFW
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